DeMarye's Soapbox

2007-09-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

2007-01-22T18:01:00.000-08:00

Spammers alike... Please don't leave comments on my blog. I hate SPAMMERS!!!!!!!

2006-09-05T07:49:00.000-07:00

So I learned today how easy it is to forget how to give selflessly. Two nights ago I agreed to watch my sister’s kid’s last minute. After which I found out that Jesse had wanted me to go to his work that night, his last night and say goodbye to everyone there. I had to call Jesse and tell him I couldn’t bring the baby in because I had agreed to watch the kid’s and couldn’t very well bring all 3 of them with the baby down to the store…my sister’s kids have a reputation for being unruly… , so after a long night of watching them, and being told they would be around to pick them up at 10:00 pm and not showing up until 11:30, I finally was able to rest and relax. They weren’t that bad but I told my sister next time to give me more then 2-3 hours notice if they plan on going out again. I like having a heads up. She said fine.

So tonight, a night in advance, Jesse calls my sister to ask if she can watch Kaylen at 8:00 tomorrow and she tells him her and her hubby made plans to go golfing. So long story short, I have to call into work tomorrow and hope I can use my 7 hours vacation time and make up the 8th hour by working extra time this week, so I can cover the time Jesse has for orientation at Target. Lets hope that Jesse is able to give me an idea what his work schedule looks like for the week so I can let my sister know… that way no more scheduling mishaps happen again… argh… I am seriously thinking about placing Kay in an infant care center during the day, it might be easier.

2006-09-04T10:03:00.000-07:00

You know it’s bad when the people around you don’t notice you’re a little on the depressed side. I don’t know what is going on with me but I find it really hard to get up in the morning and during my work week I feel guilty of leaving Kaylen when I have to go to work. I was given Anti-Anxiety/Anti-depressant medication after I had Kay because the doctors felt I was showing some signs of postpartum depression and with a history of anxiety they didn’t want to chance it. So now they have me on “Celexa”, a low dose, and although I can tell when I don’t take the pill, when I do I don’t feel like its helping much. I know I need to contact my doctor… I just hate the hoops they make me jump through

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Yesterday was one of our first family days out in a long time. Jesse and I took Kaylen to the CA state Fair and it was fun. Kay got crabby, but that was because she refused to go to take her nap, but I don’t blame her, with all that noise and all the sounds, she was very excited and most likely didn’t want to miss anything. We won her this huge baby Betty boop doll, it’s about her size and she absolutely loved it… laughing like crazy whenever she saw it. I had a pretty good time, I did get irritated a bit, between having to maneuver a stroller through a crowd of people who seemed to be looking at everything, but were blind to anything in a stroller or wheelchair, or the occasional group of people who looked like they were trying to get out of the crowd then stopped abruptly in the middle of the walkway making it impossible for anyone to pass them. I don’t even know why I bother going out anymore, it’s like I am permanently irritated by stupid people.

I wish I knew what is going on with me

2006-08-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like someone who is supposed to be your family betrayed you? I know this is stupid and most likely a waste of my time to even type but it if it is on my mind then it’s always a good idea to type it out of there.

Here’s the story: My sister and I planned a doggie exchange, my dog Pyper (a Jack Russell/ Beagle mix) in exchange for her dog Molly (a Australian Shepherd Mix). You see, Pyper was given to my by my uncle, after getting her we found out that she had been shifted from family to family and no one wanted her. In an attempt to provide her with a loving home, I took her in and tried to work with her the best I could. After4 months of trying to correct her of her bad habits, I was unable to do so. She would try to steal food from people when they weren’t looking, she would get out of the yard several times a week (pretty much once a day) and we would have to pick her up from one of our neighbors. Her only saving grace was that she is house broken and always mindful of the baby. Well it got to the point where Jesse started to express his dislike for the dog, so I decided to talk to my sister about a switch-off between pets. Molly wasn’t getting the right king of attention and since my house seemed mellower and low key I figured Molly would like it better with us; Pyper (who loves excitement) would love living with them and enjoy being around the kids. So I discussed it with my sister. She said she would talk it over with her husband and see if it was ok. A week went by and I finally talked to my brother-in-law about the idea. He seemed more then ok with it with the understanding that if it didn’t work out we would bring Molly back to them, as the same with Pyper. So Friday I handed Pyper over to my sister and when I went to pick up my daughter, I figured I would be able to bring Molly home with me, boy was I ever wrong.

When I got to her house, I unloaded all of Pyper’s belongings. I went inside and gathered the baby up and went to ask my sister if it would be ok if I took Molly that day. My sister made a remark about, “well, I figured I would give you the weekend off.” I said that I didn’t mind and that I was planning on taking Molly to the Dog Park the next day. My sister then said, “oh well you can take her for the weekend if you want.” I was confused, if I was trading dogs why would I only want Molly for the weekend. I t occurred to me that maybe we weren’t on the right page so I said to her that I could keep her longer then the weekend, I was sure she would be fine at my house and there would be no problems. That’s when she said, “Oh, I never told you could have her. I gave her to Jason a week ago.” WHAT! I though we were going to exchange dogs. Sam had said everything was good to go, and no my sister tells me she promised the dog to this homeless guy. Jason, who is temporarily staying with her while her house is being worked on. WTF. I told her, that Sam said everything was fine and she said “Well, Molly’s not Sam’s dog and he has not right to give her to me”.

By then I had it with her. She lead me on to think I was going to get to take Molly, Jesse was under the same impression. Obviously Her Husband Sam thought we were exchanging Dogs, what gives? I didn’t know what to think so I just packed my car and got ready to go home. My sister said I could take Pyper back but I couldn’t bring myself into taking her away from my niece and nephews, they already got attached to her, in the short time she was with them, so I let her stay with them and took Kaylen home.

I just don’t understand why my sister felt she had to manipulate me like that and then say I lied and she never told me I could take Molly.

I am beginning to wonder what is wrong with my sister. Everything seems to be lies with her, as long as she believes its true then it is in her head.

She makes it hard for people to be there for her and to love her. I am just so frustrated and mad at her right now.

I feel betrayed.

2006-08-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

Blogging on paper, that's what I am reduced to doing during the day. The other day I was warned by my boss that the IT people at my work monitor internet activity, so that means no more blogger at work. :-(

I guess I can live, however, when I have the urge to write I have to do so or else I will loose my train of thought. So in an attempt to retain my thoughts I am pretty much drafting a blog at work on a pad of paper which eventually will be transferred to its current home on blogger.com. I really just need to stop thinking of things about my personal life while at work... I wonder if my brain has an off switch that turns me into a mindless paper pushing drone...*L* J/K, my job is not that bad

I really do hate having an over active mind, it makes functioning like a "normal" person very difficult to do.

2006-08-23T07:13:00.000-07:00

Things seem to be going better today, but then again I have only been up for 40 minutes...lol. Some mornings I wish I could just stay snuggled up in my bed with no worries, but that never happens. I think I am going to ask Jesse if he will take over saturday and get up with the baby so I can sleep in for once , I know I could use a couple guilt free hours of sleep.

I am soooo tired... this sucks... oh well time to get ready for work.

2006-08-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

Just when I start seeing the bright light from my two week gloom, a little black cloud appears. So as previously blogged, we were having some $ problems. After having to bite our tongues and Jesse getting over his pride, we asked his mom for a little help. I very well couldn’t ask my mom, after all she has helped us out already and with her current situation I didn’t want to impose or give her any more reason to voice her opinion about Jesse (despite his many flaws- I still love the world of him and always will). After all no one is100% perfect. I see now that we are still young and have a lot of growing up to do. We have gained two very big expenses this last year… a house and a baby. Both of us work our butts off and hardly get to see each other and sometimes you slip up. It happens to the best of them.

In an attempt to improve the situation Jesse actually went and applied for a Team Lead/ Department Lead position with one of his former employers, Target Stores. This means $10.50 an hour vs. the $9.10 he currently makes and a guaranteed 40 hours a week vs. the 30-35 he pulls at Kinkos. Its not going to be a significant change in monthly take home wages, but it will be a change that we will see. Hopefully it will be enough to make a difference.

To try to help with the $ problems, we have been renting a room out to a friend. It has been nice having him around and he is so good with Kaylen she adores him. However, like all things I should have known this wasn’t going to be permanent. In the course of one month he met a girl, got her pregnant, and is now planning on moving in with her sometime next month. He asked me for my opinion about the whole thing, and after blessing him with dozens of new things to consider/ worry about, I told him that for the baby’s sake he better use the next 9 months to get to know his girlfriend better. He claims to be in love with her but how in love can you be after 2 ½ weeks together? Now they have been together for a month and I hope for the baby’s sake they are able to make this work and are able to maintain a healthy relationship. She already has a son who is 8 and a daughter who is 2… neither one knows their mom is expecting. The ironic part about the whole thing is that from day one he said to me, “I really like this one, I want to take it slow with her”… I’m just going to keep quite.

I guess until next blog… I am hoping something good happens between now and then.

2006-08-21T07:08:00.000-07:00

As you can now see I went ahead and changed my blog name to DeMarye's soapbox. Even though I can't remove the milwif from the URL without having to create a all new blog, I figure just adapt what I already have. Things improved over the weekend. I am now facing each day with a fresh face and not letting things dwell longer then the current day. I have noticed Jesse's outlook has also changed a bit and in an attempt to make things better for him, he even applied for a job at Target as a Team Lead, which is a department Manager, and means he will get more an hour and he will be assured that he will get to work 40 hours a week, which is better then the 33-35 hours he works right now. He is supposed to go to target today to meet with all of the managers of the store, sortof like a moke interview. I know he will do just fine.

I will write again later, its time to get ready for work.

2006-08-18T15:30:00.000-07:00

So I am seriously thinking of changing the name of this blog to DeMarye’s Soapbox.

It seems the only time I ever write in this is when I have the need to vent my frustrations about things happening around me. I have a hard time focusing on the good things and often dwell on the things I have no control over.

Things are going, not bad-bad, but also not terribly good. Things always can use improving. I work my tail off 5 days a week/ 8 hours a day, and to show for it, my paycheck (about 95%) goes from my hand, to the bank, then onto a check and off to the mortgage company. It’s sorta Ironic, I spend more time outside of my home working, trying to earn $ just to keep a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in, I actually thin the only time I am home is to sleep, oh and the weekends. I am seriously wondering if buying a house was a good idea, I mean we have our own space, but renting might have been cheaper. I am sure paying my mortgage will pay off at the end of the year, but until I see my first full tax return I am going to continue to think like this. What else… I had an opportunity to apply for a promotional exam, and found out 2 days ago I didn’t qualify. The promotion meant $200-400 more a month. I haven’t told Jesse yet.

The baby is doing very well. She is 8 months old now and crawling like a champ. She has been crabby, but we figure its because of her teething. She is still toothless, but I am hoping one of those little pearly whites pops through soon. My mom keeps telling me that I didn’t get teeth until I was a year old but I was also 6 weeks early for development age I was a little over 10 months old before my first tooth popped in. She is also now trying to pull herself up to standing position. Its sorta sad to watch though because sometimes she plops over and hits her head. Seeing her cry breaks my heart.

Jesse is still working too hard and not getting the recognition he deserves. I hate he has settled for the crappy job when I know he could do so much better. He is always beating himself up emotionally because he thinks he failed us. This has been going on for a while and I worry about him constantly, but at the same time I never get the chance to just hold him in my arms and assure him things will get better soon. Lets just say month to month is a bigger struggle then it really should be. We make too much to get aide and too little to survive without stretching each penny so thin you could literally see through it. Its only 3 weeks into this month and we have nothing. Times are tough but then again I never said life was easy, and never expect it to be either.

Other news, My mom and step-dad got into a car accident yesterday, on the way to a funeral. They both walked away with scraps/ cuts/ bruises and such, but the car is totaled. I am going to take the baby to my mom’s tomorrow to check her out and to try to bring a smile to her face. My mom can’t resist Baby Kaylen. I think a visit will make her feel better. I really do hate when bad things happen to good people.

I think I will write again later. My mind just wont stop talking to me and I feel the need to write it all down.

Until next blog.

2006-05-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

So I am trying to make a habit of posting more regularly on my blog, as part of a healthy way to deal with my stresses and the same time share things that are a part of my life. A few days back I wrote about how my friends have been treating me, I have been stewing on that though for a few days now and have come the realization that I don’t think they realize how they have been treating me. I am not to sure how to confront them though and I know this wont stop until it is brought to their attention.

For all of those who know me, you know that I regard all of my friends as an extension of my physical family. I hold relationships dear and when I get closed off from those I love that much well you can understand why I am as hurt as I am. I view it as being abandoned by my family. My mom said not to worry so much about it because it would only get me down and they don’t know what they are missing out on by excluding me from things… she said they don’t get to know Kaylen and she couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn't want to get to know that little girl because she is a such a wonderful baby. In my eyes, Kaylen carries the sun in her smile and is the cutest little girl you will ever meet. She has such a great personality (at only 5 ½ months old) and I see great things in her.

I guess being excluded from friends functions sort of makes me feel like not only am I being rejected but so is Kaylen. And as a mom, you would never want to see your only child rejected by anyone.

It hurts….

Can anyone relate?

2006-05-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

How to describe Baby “Kay”…

She is the most down to earth, happy little being. She wakes each day with a smile and a wonderful songs of screeches and “gee gee’s” and “sspppptttssssstttssss” to the sun. She always greets you with the sweetest, biggest of smiles, even if her fingers are in her mouth and in the way. She has the chubbiest of cheeks and the softest hair. The cutest sound you will ever hear from her is either her sweet little giggle or the sound of her raspberries as she spits a little of her Gerber peaches at you. She is the little drama princess, not to out-crown her mom that is, when she sleeps with her hand over her eyes like “woe is me”. Her chubby legs love to kick and at the same time are the cutest little legs you will ever see, those rolls are too much. She always gets so excited over the sight of her own hand, and sometimes when she holds it right over her head, her eyes cross, which always makes me laugh (I usually say “quit crossing those eyes missy!” and she smiles). She is my sunshine, my reason I get up and head to work each day, even though I would much rather sleep in and stay home with her all day.

How can a little thing bring so much warm fuzzies.

2006-05-22T11:59:00.000-07:00

Ok so I know it has been over 5 months since I last posted anything, and I really hate my first post to be a huge vent, but unfortunately it is. I wish I could say being a mom is the most wonderful experience any young woman can have but in my case a lot of bad has come with it. First off I am back on anti-depressants, which judging by this post, guess what I forgot to take today. Since I have a history of anxiety disorders, the hospital would not let me leave without speaking to a social worker and getting a Rx for pills, since I am a high candidate for postpartum depression. I don’t know if I am 100% clear of the diabetes, but every so often I do check my blood glucose and each time is has been in normal range. So these things are ok… however, now that I am a mom, I feel like I am the sole carrier of some plague. Let me explain. None of my “so called” friends, whom I used to hang out with regularly, seem to even want to have anything to do with me. The type of mood I am in today, I have half a mind to list them by name, since I am sure none of them would ever read this blog. All of the rest make it a point to see me only if I come to them, and being a mom, its hard for me to coordinate Kaylen’s schedule and meet-ups with these friends since I ALWAYS have to drive to see them. You would think they would try to drive my way some time just so I don’t have to lug the stroller, diaper bag and baby w/ car seat out to citrus heights or south Sacramento, or natomas or some other area out side of my neighborhood just to visit for an hours or so. Most of the time I am home alone, due to Jesse’s still crappy work schedule, so more often then not I just spend the evening at my sister’s house so I have some sort of adult interaction outside of work and the occasional guy looking to hook up with me, for their own pleasure, on-line (gotta love the perverts). Other then my sister and one co-worker, the only other people I seem to communicate with on a regular basis is my friend Minh (thank the Gods or him) and my friend Suz (whom I love dearly). The rest have pretty much black flagged me.

Lets see, first there is Sabastian. I know he is busy, with work full time and school full time, but before I had the baby and before we moved, I saw him quite regularly. He used to make me laugh, saying I was carrying his love child (a funny thought considering he is gay). He hasn’t been to my new house or seen the baby at all. Then there is Luna, I have to drive 40 minutes out of my way just to visit with her. She never invites me anywhere because “I didn’t think you could with the baby”… or she just doesn’t think I would want to go out. When she wants to meet up with me its always, “can you get someone to watch the baby?”. So you can imagine how that makes me feel. I used to see her all the time before I had the baby. Who else… um, there’s Carmen, who says she wants to see the baby, 3 months ago… then just last weekend she has a birthday party and I hear about it after the fact, wasn’t invited, probably because of the baby, even though Carmen lives 5 minutes from my mom and I could have gotten a sitter.

I don’t have many friends as it is, but the very few of them I do have all stopped coming around, with the exception of Suz and Minh. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom, and I absolutely adore Kaylen, but, it hurts to be snuffed by those who are supposed to be there for you. Like I have something contagious, it hurts.

2006-01-06T15:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry I havn't posted in a few, been busy. We just moved and are slowly getting settled in. I don't have the internet yet at home but as soon as we get connected I will post more. The baby and I are doing fine and she is getting so big every day. I will post pictures soon.

Hope you all had a wonderful x-mas and a great new year.

2005-12-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

OK folks, Jesse let me make a post, and with little miss in our lives who knows when I will be able to post again so I wanted to drop in and say hi.

Mommy is doing good, after a enduction and 13 hours of non-productive, and yet painful (intil I swallowed my pride and got an epidural) labor, Kaylen was born via C-Section. She is doing well and has developed a great appatite. Since mommy was Gestational Diabetic they had to poke and prod Kaylen several times to check her blood sugars to make sure mommy didnt pass the diabetes on to her and she passed with flying colors. I am getting around easier today and with the help of my friends motrin and vicodin, have been able to get myself as comfortable as I am going to get, considering where the stitches are. I have had a few side effects from the epidural so having this family support has helped (gotta love having your legs swell and the fact that for a day after the stuff wore off I was itching like crazy).

Jesse and I are staying at my mom's house for a few days and he plans to make several trips to the apartment to pack up somemore stuff and take care of the cats, considering they had the house to themselves and from what Jesse said Waffel Kitten managed to make a huge mess while we were in the hospital. I don't know how long we will be here but I am greatful that my mom offered us a warm and larger place to stay since I am awaiting the impending doom of the wave of visitors to come (keep in mind my mom is 1 of 13 kids and I know if they could get here every last one of them would come to visit).

Jesse is doing so well with her and I am glad to have him here to help, he is also a master of diaper changes and bottle feeding which is nice since I have to get in breaks here and there.

I will try to post again, maybe between the 11:00 pm and 2:00 am feedings...lol.

2005-11-27T21:39:00.000-08:00

My Thanksgiving went very well, good numbers all around. I got to spend the holiday with Jesse for the first time in 2 years, and it was so nice. The food was great (thanks to my wonderful mom) and I even got away with eating a piece of pumpkin pie, which didn't mess with my numbers at all. Fridays fetal monitoring went like normal, the baby kept moving and they kept loosing her on the monitor so the tech sat with me and held the monitor on my belly to make sure the baby didn't keep on dropping off. I had a few light contractions but nothing they seemed to be concerned with. After the fetal monitoring I had a OB appointment. The appointment went well and even though I didn't want an cervical exam done this time, they did measure my belly and said I was measuring at 40cm, 2 weeks ahead, with and EDD of basically Dec 1st-8th, I have a feeling I will be attending my Friday OB appointment for this week. Other then that, things are going ok, I am just getting a little tired but that is to come the closer you get to the end.

Other then that I have been trying to keep yourself busy but also relax and prepare myself for the little one on her way.

2005-11-24T10:42:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have left you all in the dark for so long. So let me start with the most important thing, I am still pregnant and no changes as of my last OB appointment. I do have one tomorrow and hope that there will be some sort of change by then. I told Jesse that I am getting bummed every time I go in and they do an exam and nothing changes. I also feel like there is no room left for this little one to grow and am dealing with the fear of not being able to birth her, for fear of hurting her and hurting me. I guess I have to wait and see what tomorrow's appointment shares with me.

Other then that, I am off on maternity leave and sorta wish I was at work this week. I don't know how to enjoy some well needed time off and this last week has been so stressing I would have much rather of been at work dealing with the uncomfortable chair and back labor pains that made me decide to go out on leave in the first place. I don't know if I told any of you yet but Jesse and I made an offer on a house and got it, now we are dealing with the financing portion and our Real Estate/Loan officer is causing me more stress then needed. So on top of being almost done pregnant, I have to deal with this guy and the stress of packing up a apartment and moving. I think the stress is what is keeping this little one inside of me, and not out in the world where she has a huge family waiting for her to arrive.

And on that note, HAPPY THANKS GIVING readers.

I will try to post again soon.

2005-11-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here’s a semi good update:

Today I stayed home from work and wound up calling labor and delivery because of back pain and light cramping. After a 2 hour baby kick count, I was told to come on in to be monitored. I had several constant contractions and after an exam, was told that I had dilated 2 cm and that the baby was 50% effaced, so consider me in the first stage of early labor (keep in mind I am due 12-4-05).

I am not to sure how much longer I have, but I was given a list of things to watch for and believe you me I will be watching for any signs.

Other then that things are going ok, hopefully they will continue smoothly.

Keep you all posted as things develop.

2005-11-05T20:47:00.000-08:00

So for my semi-weekly update... My doctors appointments for this week went great. 2 good fetal monitoring and with the exception of a long wait in the OBGYN dept, a semi good prenatal appointment. The only thing that annoyed me about the prenatal appointment was the fact that I didn't get seen on time (checked in 30 minutes early, and admitted 20 minutes late, then waiting for "A" doctor to see me for another 30-40 minutes). When I finally got to see "A" doctor, it wasn't even the one I had the appointment with, but he was nice nonetheless. He measured my fundal height and at 35 gestational weeks I measured 37 cm. I guess she is a big baby. He talked to me about my questions re: labor and told me because of my height I will most likely have to have a c-sectioned birth (which I am scared to have). Other then that things are ok. I am getting a little tired of being pregnant, and am actually ready to have this baby, she is getting to big for the space I have available for her. Tomorrow grandma and grandpa are going to try to buy the baby crib, I went looking for it today but the store we went to didn't have any in stock. So either her and my step-dad are going to hit another store tomorrow, or I am going with grandma to try and try again. Once the baby's room is done I will snap snap and post a picture for everyone to see, keeping in mind that Daddy and Mommy rent and cant really paint the room we are going to be using for her.

Other then that, I have started looking for houses again and hopefully after today, might have hope in moving into a nice cozy place that I can call home, for good. I am a little worried about the money, but Jesse and I have dealt with worse and have come out on top so I am sure everything will be fine.

Like everything good in life, you just gotta make the best until better things come along.

2005-10-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

My baby shower went great. I was disapointed that a few of my guests didn't show but overall I had a great turnout. We got alot of things that will be very useful for the baby, but now that the babyshower is over I can go ahead and tell you all the sex... it was so tough typing "baby" all the time... I wanted to tell you all but I didn't know if my family actually came and read this blog. So here it is....

or at least what it will be.

My fetal monitorings have been going well. I go to labor and delivery twice a week for fetal monitoring and all they really do is measure the baby's heart rate and my contractions, if I have any. The last few times I did manage to ahave a few but they wern't too concerned, because they weren't too big and they wern't frequent enough.

Sat.Jesse and I have a class to go to.. it should be fun, I hope. It's just so hard to get Jesse and I organized and in sync to plan anything together and this class is a good one, prepared childbirth. Here is a discription of the course "This series includes information on the labor process, breathing and relaxation techniques, epidurals, cesarean sections, and postpartum care. A tour of the Labor and Delivery Department will also be included. " So you can understand why I feel this class will be helpful. My only concern is making sure I have my lunch and both AM and afternoon snack, since I have a eating schedule I have to follow. I am however, looking forward to going and if I ever get to talk to Jesse (Darn work schedule) I am sure he is looking forward to it as well.

2005-10-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

So here is what has happened for the last 4 days, abridged version if you will…lol.
My first fetal monitoring went ok... The baby didn’t move too much (heart rate stayed steady no fluctuations [like they wanted]) and me, having contractions I didn’t know were happening. So they did an exam and everything was fine. I was told that if I felt anything that resembled a contraction over the weekend then I was to call the labor and delivery ward at the hospital.

The weekend went ok but I don’t feel like I accomplished too much. Jesse and I looked at a few houses and found one we really liked, we even made an offer on it but today found out that we lost out because someone had a huge down right then and there… it stinks though because we have a feeling that they bought the house just to upgrade it and sell it later on for twice as much.

Today I had an appointment and another fetal monitoring. The fetal monitoring went ok, no contractions this time and as for the baby, well the heart rate monitor slipped and they had to do an ultrasound to check to make sure the little one was doing fine, everything was a.o.k. so no worries there.

Other then that things are fine, getting more and more tired each day but that goes without saying. I am getting a little anxious and can’t wait till baby is here.

I wish I could type more, but I am fading fast and need to go to bed. I will try to post again soon… please bare with me, eventually I will get my energy back, I hope.

2005-10-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

Weekly update….

Well tomorrow I have a doctors appointment, my first non stress fetal test. I don’t know what to expect but at the same time I guess I will have to wait and see. My big sister said she would come sit with me to keep me company, its might be nice to have someone there, in case they hook me up to the monitor and just leave me there. I have a back-up plan though, in case she doesn’t decide to come, I have a book I can read to pass the time. This test is supposed to take around an hour to do, hopefully not longer, but they are making me do it because I am on the blood sugar medication and they want to make sure the baby is ok and not having any issues with the medication.

Other then that things are going good. My belly is getting bigger and bigger every day and I can’t wait till I am staring that little one face to face and holding them in my arms.

Other then that nothing new is going on, my baby shower is in a week and that should be loads of fun, I can’t wait. I hope it turns out to be everything I hope it will be.

2005-09-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

I do admit I have been neglecting my readers but to tell you the truth so much has been going on that I haven't really been able to put it to words. I admit as each day goes by I am sucked farther into the void of my stress but at the same time I find myself trying to climb out and brush myself free. The GD diet is going but now they have me taking a night-time medication to help bring my blood sugar numbers down in the a.m. Day two and I am actually thinking this might work, but at the same time I have my doubts because I have weekly phone appointments for my numbers and the in office visits with completely different nurses and doctors, it gets so confusing and I don't know what to do sometimes. Tonight I talked to someone completely new and tomorrow I have to call the rn at my doctor's office, then Friday another call from the phone doctors... I have to wonder if this is really necessary. I mean I tell one thing and the other another thing and I don't even know if they are connecting and collaborating.

I hate being placed in a position where I don't know what to expect with my own health.

2005-09-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had my first phone appointment with Kaiser. I found out what I can do to change my diet and hopefully bring my sugar/fasting numbers down... I hope. Tomorrow I have an in office visit so we will see what they have to say in conjunction to what I discussed with the nurse tonight. The phone nurse told me that if they try to change my diet tomorrow that they need to call the Phone dieticians first to clear the changes. I am hoping I finally get a handle on this because I don't want to be on a medications. The phone nurse doesn't want to see me on medications either.

We will have to see if the changes help.

2005-09-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

Ok… weekly update on Danielle and baby-to-be. Things are going so-so. Last week I met with the diabetic nutritionists at the hospital and while there me and a bunch of lighthearted preggo’s got our new blood sugar testing equipment. I had one I had gotten from the Travis hospital so this wasn’t anything new to me but I stayed and watched the demonstration of how this new little gadget worked compared to my old one, let’s just say I did manage to learn something new. We also got a new diet to follow and were told to return in a week for an evaluation/prenatal visit, thus yesterday’s appointment. After a week of struggling and finally figuring out what things work for me and what things don’t I was basically told I was in the wrong for eliminating the foods that gave me the worst time (i.e. any starchy carbs in the morning and any dairy in the p.m.). I found this a little unusual since they were the ones who told me that see what works and modify the diet and eliminate the things that spike my sugars. See what I get for listening…lol. So I was put on a slightly modified diet for this week and I go back next week with my new batch of blood sugar numbers and we will see if I need to continue on with this diet the way it is or if they are going to factor in blood sugar medication for me to take, apparently safe for me to take while with baby. My problem areas right now are usually morning fast readings and the one-hour after breakfast… today my fasting was high but my breakfast numbers were within range… so some improvement… I guess.

I have been having aches and pains here and there but when I brought it up to the Doctor yesterday, re: a side pain that seemed to be dull but pulsing, she said it was “most likely a stretched ligament”, so I settled for a “most likely” I mean what can I do, I have never been pregnant and I don’t mean to nit-pick every little ache or pain but I have no idea what is “normal” and what should I be concerned with. Other then that the only thing that seems to be bugging me is the fact that the early a.m. when I wake up religiously for either a stretch and readjustment of my body or potty break, I seem to get a charlie horse cramp in my leg. I am guessing that is normal too.

Other then that things seem to be going… not good but not too bad either. I am battling it out with a few emotional issues, and try to stay in good measures but have a hard time when most of my time is spent either at work (which I love) or home alone with our two cats (I love them too... lol). The oldest of the two cats knows something is up with me and has been pretty much by my side for the last two or so weeks, I like her company. Jesse has been working hard and is hardly home with me so I am missing him a lot more and he knows it. In an average week we see each other a total of 3 days combined… I miss him and wish he would change his work schedule, but I don’t know if his boss would be so willing to work with him on that. I just miss having him home at night and having him to hold onto me while I sleep, and feeling the little one move and all that good stuff. Plus I know if he was home more with me things around the house would actually get done. He usually is my motivation and I am usually his, but since he has been back from overseas its hard to get coordinated and get things going like we used to. I miss him keeping the kitchen up for me, I miss having someone help me with the laundry, I miss our laundry days in general. I miss a lot of things.

If the deployment didn’t change our lives, bringing a baby into it has… but change is good.

2005-09-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

Yay for baby pics...lol

2005-09-02T10:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got a wonderful comment. It makes me feel good to know that I have been missed and that my posts are still being read. I know that lately life has taken me away from my journal and I just haven't been able to post as often as I would like to. I wish I had some fantastic excuse for my absence but however I guess the major contributor is laziness, lol, with the baby growing bigger and bigger every week I have found it to be hard for me to keep my mind on tasks and commit to anything in general, usually because after I get home from work I am good for nothing more then a decorative ornament in my rocking chair in the living room. I am beginning to wonder if the feeling of pure tiredness is common when your 26 weeks along, all of the e-mailing I get said otherwise, and that fatigue was more common earlier on and my energy would bounce back, HAH! To tell you the truth I really didn't have a problem with energy until I started feeling "Baby" moving about and to tell you the truth, how active can one woman be if 6 months into this she feels like she is carrying the weight of a house on her back... anyway, here is an update on me and my little triathlon/dancer/soccer player/gymnast I am growing inside of me. Last night I had an appointment at the new DR office, another anatomy scan via ultrasound, because Travis didn't transfer my last results over to the new hospital. I was dreading this appointment because the last time I had to do this it took over 3 hours and 2 visits to complete it and was terribly uncomfortable. This appointment was well worth it, and only took 30 minutes. YAY! I got to see "baby" and also how flexible "baby" is at this stage of development. "Baby" managed to get it's feet all the way to it's face, and it's knee to it's chin. It was weird to see "baby" folded up like that but later on I told my mom and she said the last time "baby" had it's legs and feet completely behind it... which was also very weird. I got to take home some pictures and when I remember to do so I will post them, most likely next week some time since I am supposed to go out of town for the weekend. Other then that Mommy is doing ok, next week I have a Diabetes Workshop that Jesse is going to go with me. I told him I wanted him there because it is important for him to see what things are good for me to eat and what I can't eat, so I can keep this Gestational Diabetes thing under control and keep the baby healthy, that's the important thing to me. I am doing a decent job, but I know I could be doing so much better with the help of the professionals and I know I will have the support I need and that's important to keep me on the right path. I hope this weekend wont mess my sugars up too much though, last weekend I went to the State Fair with Jesse and the small amount of food I ate there messed me up and I am still trying to get things back to normal range... today so far so good.

2005-08-22T14:36:00.000-07:00

So I made the decision to stop taking the antibiotics Saturday night. I figured that the shot they gave me was to make sure that the dog that bit me didn't give me tetanus, and the antibiotics were for my finger to make sure it didn't get infected. Well 3 days after my Dr visit my finger healed up fine and now it just looks like the aftermath of a minor paper cut. I was worried that the penicillin was making the baby drowsy and sure enough "baby" starting being the same little active bundle "baby" was before the pills. I didn't like not being able to feel the movement and kicks as often and it made me stress and worry and wonder if everything was ok. Now I am positive it was the pills that slowed down the activity. As for the other issue, I found it a waste of my time and money to be treating it while on the pills that caused the problem, now that the pills are out of my system I am sure more of a improvement from the other treatment will be noticeable (don't get me wrong, I was treating myself while I was taking the pills and did not wait to start till I stopped taking the pills, I know better...lol).

Friday I have my first official Dr appointment with Kaiser. I am hoping they got my medical records from Travis by now, but to make sure I am going to have Jesse photocopy my copy before then, that way I have them just in case. I think it is silly that they don't have them since Travis called me and confirmed that the fax went through, and even confirmed the fax number with me to make sure they had the right one, I think this is a case of someone picking them up and not giving them to the correct person. It is funny how people like to place blame on other people, the clerk tried to say that Travis faxed it to the wrong place, but I told them the number I was given and that they even got a sent ok confirmation from their fax machine saying the fax went through. The other nurse said sometimes people walk by the fax machine and pick things up and put them to the side resulting in the person who was supposed to get it not receiving it. I just hate how they assume that I never had it sent because they never got it. So this week I am going to be working till 5:00 just to make up the hours for my appointment. I put in for 2 1/2 hours off for Friday also I am hoping it wont take longer then a hour for the appointment, key word... hoping.

SO that is pretty much my plans for this week. Over the weekend Jesse and I bought our camping supplies for Ducal, which happened Labor Day Weekend... our friend is still iffy about whether or not she is still going, but I told her even if I have to take her myself she is going and to deal with it... Jesse didn't spend all that money for nothing. I think I will be fine for the weekend and it is close enough to home where I can drive back if I need too (20 miles or so). I am sure Ducal will be a go either way I am so there...

2005-08-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

Today I just don’t feel right. I can’t explain it, but for some reason this day seems very wrong. Mentally I am so so, worrying about the baby and the effect these dumb antibiotics are having on “baby”. On top of that I haven’t been feeling to well today. These antibiotics caused me to get a bad yeast infection and that has been messing with me for the last 4 day, maybe after tonight’s dose will bring me some relief for tomorrow. I would have thought though after2 days of treatment I would feel some relief but now I feel like other things are not ok. I don’t know how to explain this feeling, and I guess as long as there is not bleeding or anything else bad like that I and the “baby” are doing fine. I have plans to call the advice nurse when I get home and ask her if it is necessary for me to be on these meds anymore, since it was for a dog bite and the hardly noticeable abrasion has since healed and looks fine. I really don’t want to have to pump medication into my body if it isn’t necessary to do so.

What else… ok, so I am still battling it out with babys’r’us online, now my registry is up but I cant go into it and edit it… the store clerk I gave my email address too miss spelled it and it is saying I cannot log in because of a typographical error. I don’t blame the clerk, but I was never asked for my email address when I went into the store to begin with and even though I had to call back to spell it out to another clerk, it still didn’t get inputted correctly. Hello… w u s s a m a t t a y u, wussamattayu… sheesh.

I am seriously glad that it is Friday however, I am not to sure if I am really going to look forward to this weekend. My original plans were to go to the State Fair but I am beginning to see that not happening. Jesse and I have to go to Target to get stuff for our Labor Day Weekend Trip to Ducal Prize (a Fri-Mon camping event held by the SCA). The trip to Target was part of our original plans however the trip to our friend Luna’s isn’t and I have a feeling not only will it take forever it is going to accomplish nothing. I also have to go by my mom’s house to pick up my garb and to check to see if my air matrice is there or if I am going to have to buy another one. I already told Luna that if I cannot find anything that fits me I am not going to be wearing anything “Period”, except a tank top and a Celtic designed sarrong. She laughs it off, but she also has to remember that I most likely will not fit in the dress I work last year and I probably don’t fit in the skirt either… so I need a new skirt and Jesse has no tunics or pants at all… plus she agreed to make her boss and his wife their garb for event and all this weekend. Mind you she has had all my fabric and patterns for almost a year and probably hasn’t even opened the bin she stuck it all in. I guess I shouldn’t stress but I already missed out on one thing I said I was going to do this summer (Ozzfest) and I just don’t want to miss out on the State Fair and Ducal Prize too… It’s bad enough that everyone doesn’t want me to go because they are worried about me, I wish people would stop worrying and know that I am smart enough to know when I have had too much and when to go home.

2005-08-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my first official prenatal appointment at Kaiser. I am so not looking forward to going though because my first appointment is a group prenatal visit/class, basically like the one I attended when I was 10 weeks pregnant at Travis AFB. I think this is a waste of my time beings that all the people there are going to be like 6-10 weeks pregnant and I am a little over 24 weeks. I can think of one benefit to going though, I get to see how the prenatal program is run at Kaiser, vs. how it was being ran at Travis AFB. I am hoping that they give me a bunch of reading material and maybe even a step by step guide like I got at the other hospital… so I have something to read to prepare me for my monthly and bi-monthly visits. Someone told me that the farther along I get the more frequently they are going to want to see me. I think that is not true though, I was under the impression that I was seen more frequently earlier on because that was when it was the most critical for the baby. Any way another thing I am looking forward to is actually being able to sleep in a little but tomorrow. The last two weeks have been very hard on me, just when I thought my energy was going to get back up there and I was going to be less tired, I feel like I am the walking dead half of my day. It is getting hard for me to stay attentive at work too, which is bad because I don’t want this pregnancy to interfere with my job, since this is a new job for me and I am still on probation. Other then that, I think Jesse and I are finally getting into cleaning mode and once I get all the darn laundry cleaned and put away, our kitchen will finally look normal. Not like a laundry mat that barfed up all over the place. I have to admit having a washer and dryer are nice but they are small capacity and what would be 4 loads is like 8, so it takes a long time… but now we can run both washer and dryer together, had them hooked up to a faulty power surge bar, kept on tripping the fuse, now they are plugged directly into the wall and they seem to run fine together. We are also trying to keep up with the dirty dishes, since our rental doesn’t come with a dishwasher, we are going to buy a portable one, which will help out a lot on the nights when its just me and I need to stay sitting.

We are planning on making our little abode a little more livable and even though it means spending money, its ok, because in the long run we are going to be stuck there until next summer and even then, we may not have enough saved yet to put a down on a house. So our little place needs to be as comfortable for us and even more so for the little one on the way. I have lucked out with the weather and it hasn’t been too hot. As long as we keep our little fans running things should remain good. I want to buy a tower fan for the baby’s room because even though it will not be needed when “baby” is due, it will be needed once it starts warming up again as well as while we are steadily working on transforming that room from storage overflow to a livable space. That room does have a ceiling fan though. I am going to have to take a before and after picture so you guys can see the progress, that is, when we start making it happen…lol.

“Baby” has been semi quite again all day. These stinking antibiotics must be messing with “Baby”, I am a little worried but I am sure everything is ok..

2005-08-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

I have been real bad about posting, but partly because I have been keeping myself quite busy, partly because I have been too tired to do anything. I have had the most interesting last couple of weeks but at the same time I feel like I slept through most of it..lol. I feel that “Baby” is doing quite well although “baby” hasn’t moved too much today, but that probably has a lot to do with me being on antibiotics. If you are all wonder what happened, it really is quite stupid, but I will share it nonetheless. Over the weekend I took our kitten Myah to get the last of her kitten shots. While waiting in line a nice woman with an adorable Chihuahua stepped in line behind me. I had Myah in the cat carrier and decided to put her down so I could give my hand and arm a rest. I asked the lady about her dog, she told me it was her granddaughter’s and she was brining it in for its first shots, it was 1 ½ years old. I asked her if he was friendly and she said yes and proceeded to ok me to pet him, just then the dog sniffed my hand and I though he was going to lick but instead he tried to bite. Leaving a small bleeding wound on one side of my finger and a tooth impression on the other. I was sure that it was fine but I had the vet look at it when it was my turn to take Myah to get her shots. The vet then sprayed my hand with an antibacterial spray and suggested that I have it looked at just to be safe, he then joked with the lady with the Chihuahua by calling him killer. The lady wanted to make sure I was ok so she insisted on taking me to a weekend clinic to have them look at the small cut. After driving around the greater green haven area, I then told her that my mom didn’t live too far from there and I was on my way to see her anyway, I would rather see my doctor, if it was seriously necessary. So she took my mom’s address down and said she would meet me there, she wanted a picture just to be safe (she kept on saying that even though she thought we wouldn’t sue her she still wanted to have her ground covered). I drove to my mom’s sat on the phone and after talking to an advice nurse, they decided that they wanted me to come in that evening just to have it looked at, since the dog did break skin and since I am 5 ½ months pregnant. So the rest of my day went pretty good, and before I knew it was time for me to go to my doctor’s appointment. Jesse and I went together and when I was seen by the doctor they wanted me to take an antibiotic and give me a tetanus shot, since the dog had not had his shots yet. They also made me fill out an animal bite report, hospitals are mandated by law to do so I was told and then I was allowed to go on my way. That was my Saturday… and it definitely was a first for me, 25 years old and the first dog bite I get is from a freaking Chihuahua…lol. I told my mom that if it wasn’t for the fact that I am with baby I probably would have snuffed the whole dog scratch incident off, but to be safe, and to make sure the baby is safe I made the appointment, I am just hoping “baby” is ok. I notice when I stress, “baby” tends to not move as much, but having to deal with that this weekend I think you would stress too. I do have to wonder though if the lady really cared about me and the baby or just whether or not we were going to sue her for her granddaughter’s dog biting me.

In situations like that you have to wonder.

2005-08-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

I was surprised to read a guess of baby girl in my comment. Like I probibly have stated before I am choosing to withdraw the knowledge of knowing what sex the baby is because I want it to be a surprise. I do not know if there are any differences between boy and girl ultrasounds at this stage of development and therefore really had no clue as to what the sex was until the tech told me. lol... does that make me a bad mommy...lol. I remember my first ultrasound and the baby looked like a bean so imagine my surprise when I got the newer ones.

Well this weekend has been quite the interesting one. Yesterday Jesse and I made our way across the greater portion of the Sacramento area hitting 3 different stores to create our baby registry. We visited Target, Toy'r'us and Walmart.

Target Registry

Walmart Registry

Toys'r'Us (even though currently its not showing anything since the lady that helped me messed my registry up... argh)

overall the day was good one, although Jesse and I were very tired afterwards, Jesse because he hadn't been to bed since the day before (work) and me, well, because I am pregnant and had to drive and walk for most of the day. We both were very tired when we came home just to turn around and go to a friends house for dinner. Lets jsut say when the day was finally over with it was 11:30 at night and I came home just to crash in bed. No more days like that... who knew that making a baby registry would take so much out of me...lol.

2005-08-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry that the pictures are a little on the crooked side. I just got these today, and were they so worth the wait... this is "baby" chidester at a little over 21 weeks. Its amazing how clear these pictures are considering the fact that its done by sound waves... so here is "baby", any guesses as to the sex? if so please leave a comment, I would love to see what you all have to say.

2005-07-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

Wow.. I have had a lot of thoughts and ideas to write but for some reason when I write them down on paper it sounds weird. A lot has been going on this past week and as much as I wanted to blog it all I just have been having the hardest time putting it to text.

Monday was long and very uncomfortable. The morning was spent hungry and with a sore arm. I had my 3 hour glucose lab and today I found out the results, which I will talk about a little later. Then in the p.m. I walked one station over to ultrasound where they did an anatomy scan of the baby. I didn't get to see "baby" as much as I would have liked too but by the look on Jesse's face I could tell it was well worth the wait when I finally got to see "baby" for myself. I keep on referring to "baby" as "baby" because I know what the sex is and due to the fact that I want to surprise my family with the news on the day of my baby shower, or at least that's the plan...lol.

So now I have to go back to Travis AFB on Monday morning, so they can do the rest of the ultrasound/ anatomy scan. I guess when I went in last Monday "baby" didn't want to move which made it hard for the 2 different tech's and doctor to get the pictures they needed... So back I go Monday morning in hopes that the baby cooperates this time around.

Now for the blood tests. The new doctor I am seeing said that the numbers they got from my readings were high, so I apparently have gestational diabetes. This worries me but he assured me that with proper management the baby will go full term healthy and I will also learn to manage it so that after the birth I can make sure that diabetes is not an option for me.

Trying to be an optimist... This could be the change I needed to get my health back on track.

2005-07-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

BTW I forgot to post this up. The red flowers are from Jesse for me for my birthday and the mixed flowers are from my good friends Luna and Mihn. I forgot to even post anything for my birthday which is pretty sad but at the same time I had such a good one that I should have posted something. Anyway what made my birthday good was the fact that I got to spend it with Jesse, a first in a long time. Just having him home and with me made everything so much better.

For my birthday, last Saturday, my sister and Brother-in-law took Jesse and I to see a huge firework show, then Sunday I invited my sister and her kids, my brother and his girlfriend, Luna and Mihn, and Danielle and David Barber and baby Abi to go bowling. Afterwards my brother, his gf, my sister, her kids, Jesse and I went to my mom's house for a yummy dinner. It was like my birthday lasted all weekend, which was awesome.

2005-07-15T19:47:00.000-07:00

So my first full week at work went great. I have managed to make friends with a new coworker by the name of Harriet. She started the same day as me and we have hit it off real well. Driving has proven to be fun… I haven’t decided if driving to work is really worth it or if I should continue to ride the bus, most likely I will just drive in. tomorrow is Jesse’s first drill since he has been home… well they did have one drill before this one but this is the first on he plans to attend. He managed to get tonight off which was cool but I have to wonder what was done at his job to me up for his not being there tonight. So its up bright and early tomorrow, pack up Jesse, the kitten and go driving… yes I am taking the kitten but I have a good reason to, she has to get her booster shot tomorrow and I am going to be driving to my mom’s after I get done with taking Jesse to drill, and hanging there for a while till the pet store/clinic opens. I haven’t decided what I am going to do the rest of the day yet though, I might just come back home and do some laundry or pop by my friend Luna’s house to chill till Jesse needs to be picked up.

Lets see, other then that things are going so, so… the apartment is hot and uncomfortable, the small a/c unit doesn’t seem to be helping improve upon the situation, I personally think it’s too small for the apartment. I am going to try to call the repair guy tomorrow, but I don’t think it will help any; the darn thing is just way too small.

In the words of the wicked witch of the west… “I’m melting, melting… mellllllting.”

2005-07-14T18:14:00.000-07:00

Guess who's drivin now.... :D

oh yeah and the new job is going great.

:D

2005-07-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

And you would think it couldn’t get any worse right… at about 5:30 I got a call from the doctor I saw today, apparently my glucose test came back high and they want me to come back and do this 3 hour glucose test as soon as I can… I don’t know how I am going to be able to do that, I mean I cant take any more time off of work since its my last week and I feel bad about taking time off next week for my new job, since I start it on the 11th. I don’t know what to do and now this doctor has me worried. I just don’t want anything to happen to the baby… and what little this doctor told me has me worried. My mom said not to worry and to call them in the morning to see if there is any way I can take the lab here in town at the McClellan VA hospital and have them send over the results to Travis AFB since they are both linked and part of the David Grant Medical Center that services Military families. I just hate having to do labs and it just stresses me out more then I need to be.

ARGH!!!!

2005-07-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

My doctors appointment was a disappointment. The new doctor they have assigned to me seems to be new to a lot of things, like being a doctor. He was a nice guy but there were things I had expected from this appointment that didn't happen. I did have to take the glucose test and the stuff they made me drink tasted a lot like Orange Crush, which I now have a distinct dislike for now. I was able to hear my babies heart beat over this sound monitor which was a very pleasant sound, beings that I was unable to see my baby on screen this time. Which leads to the part of this appointment that disappointed me, I didn't get to find out the sex of the Baby. :-( I have an appointment with radiology on the 25th to finally see the baby, so hopefully between now and then that baby will start kicking, or moving up a storm so I have some idea that the baby is ok. I was hoping that for my b-day I would be able to know the sex of the baby or at least get a picture to show people but nothing this time. I don't think these doctors are aware of how much stress not seeing the baby puts on a new mom, especially since this little baby doesn't make itself known by movement or something.

2005-07-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

So today I have the day off from work. I have a doctors appointment and I cant wait. I am not looking forward to the glucose test they are going to do on me but I will be able to find out the sex of my baby, and I cant wait to know. I would post it here on the journal but I have been told that some of my family read this blog and I do not want to spoil the surprise. I will post later to let you all know how the appointment went.

2005-07-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

OK so here is the deal, apparently over the weekend my journal got messed with and it was not available for viewing. I was royally peeved and after looking through my template code came to realize that 1/2 of my code "poofed" without me knowing, so I sorta figured my site got hacked and someone thought it funny to delete my personal code. So now I am back up and semi running but now I am missing all of my links. So I beg of you out there if you were linked to my blog please drop me a line and let me know if you link isn't here anymore so I can post it back up again.

I hate it when people mess with my stuff.

2005-07-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July U.S.A.

2005-06-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

the new me...

this weekend i decided to make a change, so i got a haircut...

before...

after...

2005-06-24T19:28:00.000-07:00

OK, so I found out today... I got the Job. I am happy but at the same time I will miss everyone at the preschool, especially the kids. I have to think positive though, like more income, which means better means for caring for the baby. Also a better opportunity to get a loan for our very own house, not renting would be nice. I just hope in accepting this job I am making the right decision.

2005-06-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

So today came and went. I think the interview went well so now all I can do is wait and see if they call me back in a few weeks. The ladies I interviewed with seemed very nice and whoever they decide to hire for that position will be placed in the hands of some very nice people.

Other then that, I got the opportunity to get in some extra hours a week starting the fall, if I don't get this new job that is. One of the lead teachers is going part time and was wondering if I would be willing to come in from noon to 6pm instead of 2-6pm. That’s and extra 10 hours a week. He also wanted to know if I would be willing to work full days for a week late July, which means I will be coming into work around 7:00 am and working till 4:00. I haven't had much time to give that some thought but I might just go ahead and tell him sure. We could definitely use the extra cash, especially with a baby on the way.

Wherever my life path takes me I know it will be for the better either way.

2005-06-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

OK so tomorrow is the day of my interview. I have to do a typing test and boy am I nervous. I have to take a typing test and I don't know how I am going to do. I practiced for the last 40 minutes but my arms got tired of typing and I am getting a little tired and my eyes are hurting a bit. I hate feeling like this but I am sure I am going to do fine.

I will try to post if all goes well.

Otherwse until them... rest well world!!!!

2005-06-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you felt like everyone was blowing you off for some reason or the next? Well today that is how I feel. I guess I should be used to spending my days alone but to tell you the truth, when I get the chance to spend time with someone I love I don't want to waste it, and today thats how I feel my day is going, like its just a waste of time to be breathing.

I just wish that some people would understand and be more sensitive to the fact that I miss them and actually would rather spend the time with them instead of alone, watching the paint peal from the wall or something just as exciting.

I think I am going to escape from the house for a little while... I doubt anyone would notice I was goine.

2005-06-15T21:12:00.000-07:00

OK, so I failed.... ARGH I hate the DMV. Not only did they run an hour behind on appointments, but because of 2 mistakes I had to deal with 2 people watching me in my car. I think that was very unfair and because of this I was doubly nervous. Anyway, so back to being a pathetic 24 year old without driver's license. I am going to call and schedule my next appointment so I can take my retake and then from now on I will be practicing like crazy. It just is so frustrating to be put on the spot like that and even though the behind the wheel is rather easy they do put a lot of pressure on you and it can be scary.

Any way, so I can just add this to my list of disappointments for the year. Back to bumming rides just to go to the grocery store, or public transit to work, or staying home alone at night because no one wants to come get me. I hate this feeling.

2005-06-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

OK, so i havent been on here in few days but I have a good reason folks...lol... I had to do a disk cleanup on my laptop and the defragmentation of the hard drive... had a lot of junk collecting and just forgot to keep my space cleaned, so to speak.

Today I have an appointment at the local DMV again. I am not sure I posted about the first trip but they delayed my test due to the fact that my driver side window stopped working. Well thank god that my big brother is a mechanic, he fixed the wind in the short amount of 2 days. it was so nice of him to go out of his way and now I think I am ready to do this. We will see, however, how long this "coolness" I have lasts, since last time I was at the DMV my appointment was at 11:50am and they didnt even call me until 1:30pm... this time I am bringing something to do while I wait, lol. So if I remember I will post something later tonight letter all of my readers know how I did.

Until then.. ttyl.

2005-06-11T21:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here is my newest issue…Getting a new job and being able to get it fairly knowing full well I may not be hire due to the fact that I am pregnant. My sister said I should not tell them because then they will hire me based on my skills and interview and not whether or not I have preexisting conditions. I don’t know what to do. Jesse and I really need this; the extra money would help out immensely and make it easier for us to finally get the house we have always wanted. Morally I should tell them, but I don’t want to do so if it means I will not be judged fairly during the interview.

What do you do in a situation like this?

2005-06-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, folks, so here is my newest update. The DMV/ Driver’s license thing never happened. No I did not fail my test, no I did not chicken out, and no I am not doomed to be a public transit rider until I am old. Simply put, they wouldn’t test me due to the fact that my driver’s side window would not roll down. The switch in the door went bad making it next to impossible to roll the window down. I spent 2 ½ hours at the DMV just to be turned away for a faulty switch in the window.

What else… ummm… I got a notification in the mail for a possible job opportunity, so I mailed back my reply and am hoping for a call back regarding an interview real soon. It is a desk job, but it would mean more money and right now we need it.

Some advice for spouses waiting for their loved ones to return… if you think they wont change, your wrong. One thing I have noticed about Jesse since he has been back is when things are going wrong, he shuts the world out. He has been miserable at his new job since he pretty much started there and just this morning he shared it with me. It came as a shock because the Jesse I am used to always came home talking to me about work. Since he has been back the only thing he has really talked about is how the new uniforms are uncomfortable and about jobs he has run for clients at the store, that about it. I am worried that he is unhappy and he probably wishes he was back overseas because everything was easier there. I am sure these feelings will pass, but I can’t help but worry about him. I told him that he should try to talk to his boss and express his concerns about the job, that way he opens that comfort zone of conversation between him and his boss. I can only hope that he takes my advice though. I know a good talk will help him in the long run.

2005-05-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

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2005-05-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

SO here is how the last two days went. Let’s start with the most uneventful day, today. I got up, ate breakfast, spent some time with Jesse and our Kitten (Myah), Jesse went to bed, I watched an episode of Dr. Phil, ate lunch, then got ready for work, went to work and had a wonderful day up until the last hour, when the kids went completely wild, and then carpooled home, and now here I am cooking dinner. What an exciting day… lol.

Now for the good stuff, yesterday. As I believe I mentioned before, I had a prenatal appointment yesterday. My mom drove me out to the appointment and although once again I had some funky form for some blood test thrown out at me, which most likely I wont allow them to do to me, and some nutrition ridicule due to the fact that I am a plus sized woman, I may be big, but I have never been told I was unhealthy. So anyway, after dealing with all of that, the highlight of the appointment was my second ultrasound. I got to see my baby again. This time it was upside-down and kicking like it’s in a running marathon. It was so neat being able to see its legs moving about, seeing it so active. On top of that seeing its little heart beating it made my day. After that I came home and crashed on the couch for an hour and a half. After which I woke up, took a shower and proceeded to get ready for my Jr. College Graduation… yes, after years and years of working part time and schooling the rest of the time, and several semesters later, I finally completed my Associates Degree in Fine Arts. I am most likely going to go back to school in a few semesters, for my Child Education certifications. This will happen most likely after the New Year though, since my baby is due December 8th.

I just cant get over seeing those little legs kicking around… wow!

2005-05-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

I know as a blogger I am not doing a very good job at blogging. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Its not like things haven’t been happening. Lets see, last week was my final for my intermediate photography class, I checked my grades a few days back and had an A which was a pleasant surprise since I didn’t feel I deserved an A. Tomorrow I have my first actual prenatal appointment, my mom is driving me, and then tomorrow night is my Graduation, I am receiving my Associates Degree in Fine Arts, and it only took me 6 years to do it… (Very long story). Other then that, nothing much has been going on. I have had to deal with some family stresses off and on for the last 2 weeks, but nothing I really feel is appropriate to share because it does not pertain to me directly even though it was shared with me (in short- its none of your business).

As for work, things are getting better although last night I did have a dream that they fired me… I think I need to lay off the strawberry Milk before bedtime…lol. I don’t know what would possess me to have a dream like that since they all like me there and I get along with the kids so well. I love being around them and the bunch is just so great. We are getting ready to loose a bunch of the older kids though, they will be transitioning into kindergarten over the summer and that means they will be leaving the center.

What else… Oh next week I am scheduled to take my behind the wheel Test at the DMV. I am one week away from getting my drivers license… I so cannot wait. I am so tired of having to depend on family and public transportation to take me places. I told Jesse that our first weekend with the car I am taking us out of town, even if just for the weekend and even if its just to Stockton to visit his uncle on his house boat.

I think its time for a short vacation… don’t you???

2005-05-19T22:41:00.000-07:00

Is this week over with yet?????

ARGH!!!!!

2005-05-14T19:10:00.000-07:00

BABY PICTURE~~

2005-05-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

OK so yesterday I talked to my Boss an cleared up the whole thing from thursday. It did help to talk to her and although I was nervous about talking to her, it really wans't that bad.

Today was the company Picnic, I was the only one that showed up from the center I work for, next to the director and her family. It was sad that no one could show up from the center, in my opinion it made us look bad. Oh well I can't wait to see if the director writes somthing in the message book on monday about it.

Other then that, nothing too exciting has happened in the last two days... but then again whats new?

lol... oh well there's always tomorrow.

2005-05-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

So I wish I could say yesterday went great. As far as the Doctor’s appointment, yes I feel it went great. For the first time ever I got to see my baby and it made me feel so good. The Doctor did 2 different ultrasounds on me, on was the standard ultrasound where they put that cold jelly stuff on your abdomen and take the image that way, the other one they did internally. The second one made the biggest difference because I was able to see the baby so much better. I got to see its little head and little hands and tiny heart beating. On the other ultrasound the baby just looked like tiny little peanut, which by the way is what we are now calling it….lol. So the appointment went well. I had a lot of information given to me, got to see my baby, and had all of my lab work done, a lot was accomplished, even though I was there from noon till 4:00. Next is where my day managed to go sour… when I called my work to let them know I just got out of the doctor’s and was unable to make it to the center that afternoon. I wasn’t expecting what had happened next… when I called in I spoke with the director and this is pretty much how the call went. “Hi (so-and-so) its Danielle… I just wanted to let you know that I just got out of my Doctor’s appointment and will not be able to come in.” “Well Danielle, I don’t appreciate you calling in 10 minutes before you are supposed to be here. I had an appointment I needed to go to. Thanks bye!’ (This was said in the rudest manner possible).

So imagine my surprise being treated like this over the phone and not given the chance to defend myself, or explain why it took me so long to call. Here is what happened, I got to my appointment at noon and was told to fill out some paperwork. The group appointment was supposed to start at 12:30 but didn’t start until well after 1:00. That appointment took bout an hour and a half, after which I had to do my ultrasound and then go down to the lab to have 6 vials of blood taken and give a urine sample. By the time I was done I had tried to make a dozen outgoing calls on my phone, all of which would not go through because of lack of signal in the hospital. I couldn’t just up and walk out because we weren’t given any breaks and I was not on the 1st floor, all the things I had to do that day involved me being on the 3rd floor so I couldn’t just walk out. Anyway so now a new day has begun and yes I lost sleep over this whole thing because unknown to the director I had my shift covered and cleared with the lead teacher, whom I work under. I wasn’t given the chance to explain and what makes it even worse is that this is not the first time the director has given me problems due to my pregnancy.

I just don’t understand why people have to be like that.

WHY???

2005-05-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

One more week till my school semester is over with. It’s funny though; one class seems to poop me out so much. I guess because I am on my feet all morning for the class and then all afternoon at the preschool. I only have one more week which is so nice and I plan on taking a few semesters off so that I am able to not overwork myself during this pregnancy.

Tomorrow is my trip out to Travis AFB for my prenatal group appointment. I am not to enthusiastic about the trip out to Fairfield, but there really isn’t much the U.S. ARMY is willing to do to accommodate me, I am just thankful I only have 2 more months with the ARMY insurance and then Jesse’s work medical is put into effect. YAY!!! So tomorrow I have to meet my mom downtown at 11:00 so I am going to get there around 10:30 so I can visit a little with some of my old coworkers. Jesse was going to come with me but I don’t think he will make it because his job. Usually when he gets home in the morning he is too tired to do anything but sleep…. Funny that’s exactly how I feel when I get home…lol.

2005-05-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's and mom's-to-be!!!

2005-05-08T00:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight I started writing in my pregnancy journal. I found this wonderful book I get to fill out with bits and pieces of my life while I am pregnant. This is going to be cool, if I manage to finish it, because it is something special I will get to share with my child when they are old enough but like I said, if I finish it, lol. So other then that, things seem to be going ok. The last few days I have been feeling on the icky side. I think it has to do with the prenatal pills. I am going to be keeping a close eye on myself just in case. This Thursday is my first Doctor’s appoint, or so they would like to call it. It’s a group session appointment, le I think, I would just much rather see my doctor and not have to deal with a group anything. Its bad enough that I have to go all of the way out to Travis AFB, an hour’s drive from my home town of Sacramento, and have it bee in the middle of the day, The appointment is at 12:20. I need to me sure that I take some snacks. The drive is going to suck. I hate long drives especially to Doctor’s appointments. Oh well once I get this one out of the way I can actually look forward to the next one…. By then the baby’s heartbeat should be able to be detected. Lately how things have been going, I need the reassurance that the by is really there.

Something I have noticed, that I am a little bugged about, is that right now, some8-9 weeks into this, I really don’t have much of an attachment to the baby. I mean as far as I know it is ok at this time I cannot feel its movements, I haven’t heard its heart beat. I haven’t seen its ultrasound. How do I know its there? My only clue is the occasional breast inflammation (If you have ever been pregnant you know what I mean about this), and bouts with nausea. That’s pretty much it. Today I actually got on a scale and let’s say I gain 4 lbs in the last 8 weeks. I have always been a heavy girl, but I don’t know if I am going to be able to deal with the weight gain, it scares me a little. I just hope that the weight I do gain is mostly baby although I doubt the 4 lbs is…. I hate these pregnancy cravings, nothing weird… yet, but I cant help but be hungry not more then an hour after I have eaten something… it is really annoying.

Other then that… lets see….hmmmm…. ok so this is a journal from a military wife so, today I found a picture of me with a few of the ladies from the once alive 319th FRG. I realized today that I miss a lot of them. I know our guys are back but part of me wishes they weren’t because now that everyone is, no one needs anyone else. I actually was silly enough to think I made friends… and now I wonder. I really did think that they would have kept the 319th FRG yahoo group going but the moderator took no time at all deleting it. And with a click of one button, what little was actually the FRG was forever gone. It’s sad. It defeats the purpose of an FRG because the most important part of it is being there for the families when it is seriously needed, and I can’t think of a better time to need support then after the return of soldiers. I do miss the friends I made. I left the experience of deployment with a lot of advice to give, but I seriously doubt that in my travels I will ever run across someone who needs it. Unfortunately though, everything I learned I learned on my own. I just hope that others don’t go through the same thing.

I hate FRG’s as much as I dislike TriCare.

2005-05-04T22:49:00.000-07:00

These last few days have given me plenty of time to reflect on life around me. The things that stand out are my stresses and worries. I have been having some restless nights filled with weird dreams but the ones that stand out the most are the ones involve y baby. I am worried that something is wrong and I won’t know because at this point in the pregnancy I can’t feel the baby yet. Next week is my Doctor’s appointment. Knowing this helps me deal with each day but I still can’t help but worry after a night of bad dreaming. What else… work and school has me stressed, but in a few short weeks school will be over with and I will be able to have one less thing to worry about.

Jesse is doing very well with his new job but not having him around is really straining our relationship. I mean we both love each other and care deeply for one another, but the little bit of time we get together is so little… I miss having him home at night and I don’t know how I am going to be able to deal with all of my stresses all alone. The thought of going through this pregnancy alone like this scares me and I don’t know what to do.

So yeah now you all know why I haven’t typed in a while…. Because these are the things that have been on my mind… and frankly I feel alone in all of this. I am getting scared.

2005-04-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

Today I made some time to blog. Of Course today I have the time because I stayed home from school and work. I woke up today feeling very ill and slept most of the day away. I have a good feeling I feel this was because of being pregnant… but at the same time I hope nothing is going wrong. My first OBGYN appointment isn’t until May 12th and even then it’s a group appointment which means I don’t think I will be getting much One-on-one with the Doctor this visit. This is my first baby so I really don’t know what to expect. My sister gave me this book called “What to expect when your expecting” but even reading through that… well people are different on a case-by-case basis so how can one book tell you what to expect. I am seriously thinking of buying a copy of “Pregnancy for Dummies” I think that one will be more helpful to me.

What’s new… well Jesse started his graveyard Shifts with Kinko’s this week… I hate the schedule but if this job makes him happy then I am happy for him. I just have to wonder if some time down the road… well, will his job interfere with our family? I want Jesse to be an active part of our child’s life. I am sure I don’t really need to be worrying about these things right now, so leaving it at this I am going to be spending the rest of today with my feet kicked up and relaxing and hopefully feeling better.

That’s the plan at least.

2005-04-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

This week is finally over. Today I have to go to work a little early because we are having a staff meeting. I am curious as to what will be discussed and at the same time wondering if anything will be brought up about my work habits. My supervisor did tell me that I have been a blessing to have and I told her that any time I do somthing wrong that she would let me know. I am sure that nothing is going to be said about my work habbits however I know that all of the complaints wil be made will be generalized to pretain to the whole group and not to one person in general, which is probibly supposed to cut back on embarasment... which is important.

Other then that things are going good. We may actually be getting a washer and dryer for the house, which will help out alot, well it will help me out alot...lol.

hehehe this time tomorrow... I may be actually able to do my laundry in the comfort of my own home.... YAY!!!

2005-04-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

So, I am slowly getting situated in our new home and at the same time I am getting used to spending my nights alone, unless you count my cat as company...lol. We moved into this nice little 2 bedroom cottage about a week or so back. This place feels like home so I feel comfortable being here. Jesse is working late night shifts so he isn't home until well after I am asleep. Anyway, other then that life is good. I am going to be graduating next month and I am happy. I plan to take a year off from school so I have time to myself and to raise my baby when it comes. I haven't decided if I am going to continue working for the preschool or not after the baby is born. My original plan was to be there and be a stay at home mommy when my baby was born, but it all depends if we need me to work or not.

Other then that I am doing ok. I am getting a little more tired then usual and have a hard time staying on my feet when I am at work, but that is all normal for the first trimester of pregnancy. My first OBGYN appointment is on May 12th, the Doctors' office is located an hours drive from my home town of Sacramento so I am not looking forward to going but at the same time I am sure it will prove informative.

I just can't wait until Jesse's medical coverage from his new job goes in effect, that way I can see someone local.

2005-04-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

OK folks, Sorry I haven't posted. Moved over the weekend and just got a phone line up and running yesterday, something with faulty wiring... anyway, so I finally got to plug my laptop into the phone line and og on. Jesse and I are discussing high speed internet options but for now dial up will be my friend. We are slowly getting settled in but as the days go by I find that I get fatigued easy and loose my drive to unpack. Tonight my mom is going to be coming to visit and I may get some more things unpacked... we will see though.

I know the being sleepy is a normal part of being pregnant, but I so not used to it. Work is going ok, but for some reason I feel like I managed to make some enimies at work because I had a doctor's order to take off work for 3 days last week. Some how I managed to catch the stomach flu and it threw me all off and it was not good. I am feeling better today but with me conquiring the flu bug I managed to get either a bad case of seasonal allergies, or a head cold. So now back to feeling dehydrated and tired. This week is almost over but I still have a long way to go. Tonight we are having an open house at the center so I will be stuck at school until 7:30 tonight. My mom has offered to pck me up from work bt I am not really happy about having to be stuck there that long. Also tomorrow they are doing a teacher inservice that I have to go too... so I am going to be working a full day, from 9:00a- 4:00p. The only lus side to this is that I will get to be home at an earlier time, but I am not to sure how I am going to be able to survive the day, especially since the preschool teacher's have to visit 2 offsite schools out of Sacramento so the morning is going to be spent offsite and the rest of the day I will be sitting in some lectures, good fun.

Anyway... thats pretty much it. Other then getting sick, moving and making people mad at me at work, the only other thing I am having a problem with is, surprise surprise, TriCare. I know that the ARMY is trying to take care of thier soldiers and their families but they don't make it very convienent for those who have issues with traviling. Normal time to travel to McClellan AFB Clinic, 30-40 minutes by car... 1 1/2 by local transit.... now I have to go to Travis AFB... estimated travel time....1 hour by car and I am not even going to attempt an estimate by local transit because Travis AFB is outside of Sacramento. I don't understand why they have to make this so difficult for me... but I only have to deal with them until July.... so I will.

ARGH!!!

2005-04-04T09:12:00.000-07:00

2005-04-01T20:59:00.000-08:00

ok, so once again i haven't written in a long time. i promise i will try to keep posting often because, well i have good news. jesse and i are pregnant!!!! so now there is a little chidester on their way, 9 months and counting. we are also currently trying to get into this small 2 bedroom cottage and waiting to see if we have been approved. we should know monday, i hope. so other then that, nothing else is going on. i have been experience morning sickness alot and even though i am only 2 weeks into this i have a feeling i will either get used to the feeling of wanting to heave, or it will go away. my sister says it will, in 9 months... she is so funny sometimes. anyway, work is going great. jesse started his new job this week and he is doing awesome and they just love him there. i have a good feeling about things and for once life seems like its right. i will keep you all posted once things start to develop.

2005-03-26T22:18:00.000-08:00

I know it has been a long time since I posted. A lot has been going on in my little world since I last posted. Life is slowly settling back into order or at least what I perceive as order. So as I type this, Jesse is in the other room messing with his laptop. I am in the other room watching one or my favorite movies “Dark City” We had dinner tonight at my friend Luna’s and believe you me we both needed it. I haven’t been feeling to up to par this last week and am not to sure as to what is causing this discomfort. I hope to find out sooner or later, for the time being I am just going to wait it out.

Tomorrow we are going to visit my Grandpa for Easter. I can’t wait to see him. I always love visiting him, I do however dislike these big family gatherings, just because I sometimes can’t be around that many people in one place and time and on top of it all my family is quite loud.

Oh, the holidays and how they seem to bring people together.

2005-03-20T12:24:00.000-08:00

I wish I could say this last week has been wonderful and amazong, but the reaity of it all is that it has been really hard and quite the readjustment. I find some times I just don't want to deal with home life. Today I feel so tired, I guess because I have been working more around the house then usual more like working for two to help out around the house. Jesse is usually a great help, or at least he was when we lived in the apartment, but now I don't know. The only thing I do know for sure is that he needs to adjust and so do I. I will give it time. I have always been a pactient person.

2005-03-15T19:29:00.000-08:00

SGT Missick and Danielle. Bloggers finally meet.

2005-03-14T20:18:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a week. Thursday was amazing and even though the event at the base was long and somewhat overdrawn but well worth it once the guys were released and Jesse ran right to me and almost knocked me over in the process. I got a chance to meet a bunch of the people I have spoken with the last year. I also got a chance to meet SGT Missick, the owner of the blog “A line in the Sand”. I got a picture with him on my camera phone and it will be posted as soon as I can.

In the process of the weekend I managed to lose and the find my Cell phone. As well as dealing with the jacking/ thievery of Jesse’s wallet at a local mall. Other then that the weekend was a good one because every night I was able to spend each night with Jesse by my side. Things are weird, but more so for me then him. I have to readjust to having someine there around me after 16 months of living life alone. Thsis is going to take a lot od give and take for the both of us but I am willing to work on it.

In other news, there is a possibility that Jesse will be moved to another company within the 319th and possibly stationed permanently somewhere out of Sacramento which means I will be moving most likely to where ever Jesse will be stationed so we are temporarily holding off on buying a house for now.

2005-03-09T08:05:00.000-08:00

THEY ARE COMING HOME TOMORROW!!!!!
YAY!!!!!!

I have a day and a time and I am so stoked. I CAN"T WAIT!!!!

YAY!!!!

2005-03-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

Wow, I just can't seem to get over the fact that this is almost over with. Today I went to the grocery store with my mom and had on a shirt from Jesse's last footlocker sent home. It simply said Camp Virginia- Operation Iraqi Freedom with a siluete of a scorpion on it. Wow, I just can't seem to get over the fact that this is almost over with. Today I went to the grocery store with my mom and had on a shirt from Jesse's last footlocker sent home. It simply said Camp Virginia- Operation Iraqi Freedom with a picture of a scorpion on it. I didn’t think I would get any attention with that shirt on and really wasn’t out to get any either but a man came up to me and said that he liked my shirt. I went on to explain that it belonged to my Husband and that he just got done with serving a year overseas in Kuwait. The man then went on to tell me how he served for 3 years during the Vietnam War for the U.S. Army and that when I got to finally see my husband, thank him for what he has done for the U.S.

The fact that a complete stranger would come up to me and say that, brought a smile to my face. All I could say was "Thank you and I sure will tell him for you."

So in the name of the stranger in that grocery store today, I would like to thank all of our service members for what they have done for us.

THANK YOU!!

2005-03-05T22:30:00.000-08:00

I got to talk to Jesse tonight and it was very nice. He sounds so good and I am happy that this is going to be over with in a few short days. I still haven't gotten a final date as to when the guys will return so once again I have been keeping my ears open to rumors in hopes that something reliable will pop up, or that Jesse tells me... what ever happens first. Work seems to be very understanding about me having to take some time off when Jesse first gets back, but it comes to my attention that the first 3 days he will have to report back to the reserves base for duty, which I did have prior knowledge too. It is a little annoying that the first 3 days Jesse is home I have to share the time with the reserves base but at the same time I really didn't expect the military to hand over their soldiers so easily either. This last year I have come to realize that there are always catches, I guess in this case there is one too. But I guess 3 days is a small price to pay, especially now that he is finally going to be home.

2005-03-03T21:53:00.000-08:00

I got to talk to Jesse last night. He sounded so good. We estimate his arrival back to California some time next week. I am so glad that this is finally almost over. I can’t believe that is has been a year already and I miss him so much. It will be so nice to be able to have someone to sleep next to each night and someone to talk to, someone to share my life with again. My world doesn’t seem so lonely but at the same time it is going to be so weird having him back.

I feel so mixed up but at the same time happy. So many good things are finally happening to me and I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I am a little worried about how life is going to be with me and Jesse living under my mom’s roof, but I know that they both will try to make it work for my sake and I hope that Jesse and I are able to get the ball rolling and find a place before the end of the year. It would be so nice to be able to spend out first Christmas with him back, in a house of our own. I have all these dreams and hopes and it just feels so nice to finally have faith in myself again.

These things are things we both want and they aren’t out of our reach anymore. These things can and will happen for us.

I know this much for now & that is all I need.

2005-03-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

Today I got my wish, well part of it anyway. Jesse called me, unfortunatly I was in class at the time and missed both (yes two calls). He is back in the U.S. I am so glad that I can say this is almost over.

YAY!

2005-03-01T22:01:00.000-08:00

I still haven't heard any word from my soldier. I do have to admit I am a bit worried though. I am sure he is busy and the things he left behind so many months back, are not his top priority at this time, but I can't help but wonder if our soldiers undersand how much a 5 minute pone call can put thier loved ones at ease. So as of right now its been 2 weeks since I last talked to Jesse online. He was never one for calling home, so I don't expect him to understand that now that his internet access has been cut, I do need that call. Just to know he is ok.

So I am going to keep this one short. But I will try to post more later, hopefully I will have something to post.

2005-02-26T17:16:00.000-08:00

I have been getting quite a bunch of comments from one person. I enjoy all feedback and so on that note I would like to address something to my readers. There was something talked about re: the detachments soldiers being recognized for serving with the 319th. I don't fully understand why, but only those whom are with the 63rd will be returning to Sacramento with the 319th, they will be recognized at the homecoming event. As for the rest of the soldiers, I am not aware of how many there are that do not follow under the 63rd or the 319th, but as a family member of a soldier I cannot tell you if they will be recognized as well. As a family member though, I will recognize the efforts of all soldiers and will continue to do so well after my husband has returned to U.S. soil.

A lot, yet also nothing has happened since my last post. As for communications with my soldier, well, in the last 2 weeks there really hasn't been any. I am sure that he is fine, but part of me longs for a 5 minute phone call just so I know he is fine. I know where he is at, there poses no danger for the U.S. Troops stationed there but you never know, we also thought that U.S. soil was safe until 9-11. I am sure he is fine, but like I said, I still need reassurance.

I am taking this sign of not communication as a sign of things slowly coming to a finish. Although I have heard tons of things, for the security of my soldier and the troops he is with, as well as me and my family, I will not be posting anything regarding timelines and D.O.A. on this blog.

Today I went shopping with my mom... I know that was quite a switch in subject matter, but I bought the cutest top and I plan on wearing it the day of Jesse's homecoming. I am so stoked and I am sure this event will be the highlight of my year as well as the big sigh of relief that I need to finalize that this ordeal is finally over and I can rest at piece in a nice big bed, with my husband for the first time in a long, long time. Just the thought of it brings a big smile to my face.

Let see, other then that, I cut all of my hair off. (No I am not bald) I will post pics once I get a chance to take a picture of myself, and find a good style to wear it in. lol.

Well so other then waiting, my life is going good. I really can't complain and well, don't feel that there is any reason to do so.

2005-02-21T21:04:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been one for the blog. I have had so many emotions blaring at full force in the last 3 days then in the last 12 months. I have experienced happiness, joy, sorrow, anger, frustration, loneliness, you name it I have most likely felt it. To make things worse, I haven’t talked to Jesse that much in the last week. Rumors have been flying left and right one of which involves the internet connection, once available to our soldiers, has now been cut off. I don’t know if this is a sign of what to come or just one more step being taken to protect our soldiers….. some time later… I have connected to the web to find some offline messages from Jesse. It seems that they have lost to connection and he is not to sure if he will be able to log back on. I don’t know the details but I hope he calls home soon so I can at least so I can hear his voice. I hope they are getting ready to move on to the next step in this demob process which will include him leaving Kuwait and coming back to the states.

I understand that the families are being kept in the dark about the details for the safety of our troops and the families. I just hate this part of the whole process. “just keep waiting, waiting, waiting, just keep waiting, waiting, waiting…” lol

2005-02-19T19:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this week was pretty good. Last night went ok. There was a small turnout but I didn’t expect too many people to show to last nights briefing after all it was at 7:00pm on a Friday night. I did get some information, but unfortunately none of which I can safely say I recall at this very moment, thank god they passed out information pamphlets. They were supposed to give out an official timeline as to when to expect our soldiers home, but that got messed up because somehow the official information was leaked and the media went after it like a starved grizzly bear after a rabbit covered in honey. This caused a major security issue and for the safety of our soldiers and the families, we will not be informed of the new date until at least 3 days prior to their return to California.

In preparation to their return I contacted mine and Jesse’s old High School’s Art Department and order 5 banners to be made for the troops. I get to pick them up in a week which is awesome, so February 28 I will have five 8-foot banners ready for the troops to see at the homecoming being held at the base. It is going to be awesome. I will try to take pictures of the whole event to post online for all of you to see.

Other then that, nothing more is happening. Just trying to rearrange my room so I can make room for Jesse when he finally returns home, keep in mind I am living with my mom so my space is my tiny childhood bedroom and I have managed to acquire a ton of stuff in this last year. Tomorrow my mom and I are going to take down my bed and put up a set of queen matrices so that Jesse and I have something to sleep on that won’t hurt our backs, like that air matrice we used when he was home on leave… (Ouch, the memories)

…So more waiting and more anticipating.

2005-02-15T21:27:00.000-08:00

So nothing much has been happening. Work is going fine, and I found out yesterday that the lead teacher, whom I work under, has been giving me good reports with my supervisor/ Center Director. This makes me feel so good; because I am trying so hard to make sure that I am working hard and doing a good job with the kids. This week has been a little hard so far though because bad weather is keeping the kinds indoors and when I come in, in the afternoon, they are just getting up from naps and full of energy. We will see how they are tomorrow afternoon when I come in at 3:00.

So like I said bad weather has hit Sacramento, and just when I started getting used to the nice weather and being able to not have to wear a jacket outside. Stupid groundhog and his stupid prediction of a longer winter… I hate groundhogs.

Anyway other then that, nothing more is going on in my life. Just a lot of waiting for answers and trying to form questions then waiting some more. Friday I am attending the Demobilization meeting being held at the reserves base and there I know I will get some answers, at least to the one question I need to know the answer too, “When are they coming home already???”

AGGGGHHHHH!!!!

2005-02-13T22:29:00.000-08:00

Ok folks, I am sort of going mad in my head. I have no idea what is going on with me, maybe its just the anxiety of the realization that this ordeal is finally almost over with and I will be able to say by this time next month (hopefully) I can wash my hands of the ARMY and go back to living my semi-abnormal life, but now with my husband by my side. I am a little nervous about the whole thing which is weird because I have known Jesse for close to 9 years and have been with him for over 7 years, I know that man like the back of my hand. I don’t know what I am getting myself all worked up about, everything will be fine.

This week is a weird week for me. Tomorrow, of course, is Valentines Day (enter sarcastic yippy here). Anyway Jesse and I decided not to do anything for it and that we would celebrate this holiday when he is finally home for good. So in an attempt to redeem this holiday for myself, I prepared little valentine’s for the kids of my preschool class. I am also going to be making love bugs with the kids tomorrow; a little craft idea I thought would be cute and also give the kids a chance to make something for their parents. I will try to post pictures of the finished product for all of you. If I can I will make one and post the directions here as will.

Other then that I have been spending most of my time at work, school, or the reserves base so my life has been a little tug here then there then back again. I am going to be happy when I finally get a break from it all.

For once it would be nice not to have to do something. I need a weekend off.

2005-02-10T21:33:00.000-08:00

“The best gift” 2/10/05~ Danielle Chidester

The end is almost here,
But I am still lost.
Don’t know what to expect,
Still I wander lost.
My life is going to change,
For better or for worse.
Not knowing what to do,
Is this a blessing or a curse?
But still I wander on,
Not knowing where to end.
Not a single regret in life,
No enemies, just friends.
With each passing day,
Are chances to learn something new.
The end is almost here,
But thankfully I have you.

2005-02-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

Nothing real new to report in my life, just hanging in there and keeping myself as busy as I possibly can. I am feeling so much better. I still have a lingering cough but it is not as bad as it could be. This week at the center, I am in charge of diapering, putting away sleeping mats, and outside art activities. I am really excited about the last one, being able to head art activities is cool and it will also help me familiarize myself with the classroom as well as get me one step closer to creating my own lesson plans. I am a little nervous but at the same time excited about being given this opportunity.

What else… hmmm… I have another meeting at BT Collins (the reserves base for the 319th Sig Bn) on Thursday. We are going to further discus the preparations for the decompression meeting scheduled for the 18th & 19th of this month. The completion of these preparations as well as the actual meeting marks the start of the final countdown for our guys and gals to come home. I so can’t wait but at the same time I am so nervous. I don’t know, I have been without Jesse for over a year and living back with my mom. I just don’t know how the transition is going to be and how well having my mom and my husband under the same roof will work out, I have so been there and done that and it didn’t work too well the first time. Oh well what can you do, but wait. The first thing I have to accomplish is making room for him when he comes back.

Now that I am staring at the road to the end of this all, I am scared and so unprepared for it.

2005-02-05T20:50:00.000-08:00

These last two weeks have been the best for me work wise. I love my job and the kids are wonderful. I am still fighting this chest cold and it is still as annoying as ever. I have developed a chronic cough and it does have me a bit worried that this cold is slowly moving itself into something more serious then a common chest cold. Other then that, nothing new is going on. I am slowly getting back into the school thing and finding that even though I am only enrolled in 2 classes, I am having a tough time. I think maybe due to the fact that my head is not in the learning mode. I am sure sooner or later I will get back into the swing of things.

A lot has been going on in the world of this ARMY Wife. There has been the start of preparations for the upcoming Demobilization Family Meeting, or whatever they want to call it. These meetings are scheduled for the 18th and 19th of this month and will cover as much as they can cram into our heads and not forget at the same time. I am getting a little weirded out about the whole thing but at the same time happy that this is almost over. Some of the things people are saying has me a bit worried and I am not to sure what to make of it. There has been talk of the guys not being the same when they come home and having issues with the reintroduction into civilization. I have to wonder if there is really an issue about this especially for soldiers of a Signal Unit. I am sure some of the soldiers in Jesse’s unit have seen things that may give one reason to believe there may be issues, but I don’t think that Jesse is going to have much problem.

Anyway, so I have tons to prepare for Jesse’s homecoming and not to sure if I can get it all done in time. I just wish I had more of a timeframe to work with…. ARGH!!!

2005-01-31T13:00:00.000-08:00

I am still sick and dispite my better judgment I am still going to go to work today. I figure if I really am as bad as I think, they will wind up sending me home. But overall I do feel loads better. I still have a bad cough and a stuffed and runny nose but now I am relying on my constant and steady dose of Sudafed and vitamin supplaments to take care of the rest.

So like many things in life, you just have to wait and see.

2005-01-29T13:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I was almost sure I had this thing kicked yesterday but this morning I woke up in so much pain from coughing. My whole upper back aches and I keep getting the sweats, probibly from a fever breaking. I recall that this morning I went back to sleep and when I woke up my pajamas were all damp from sweat. I think when I feel tired and actually get some sleep is when my body gets these fevers and breaks them. This has happend all but a 1/2 a dozen times today so far. Right now I feel so clamy. I just hate being sick.

ARGH!

2005-01-28T20:50:00.000-08:00

Ok folks, sorry I havn't posted in a bit. I have been fighting a bad cough/cold/general ickiness. I hope to be back on my feet and feeling next to normal soon. please chack back in a few days and hopefully I will be able to kick this.

Thx and Blog ya later!

2005-01-25T21:45:00.000-08:00

here are the pictures drawn by the cutie pie madison from my preschool class.

2005-01-24T20:52:00.000-08:00

Music Video for the week:

Sara Mclachlan - Sweet Surrender

Video provided by Alfred

2005-01-24T20:32:00.000-08:00

Ok, so today I had the best day ever. The kids at this center are the absolute best and I loved every minute of it. I even got two drawings from this adorable little girl named Madison. When I get a chance I will scan them and post them up for everyone to see. I just felt so good today; I haven’t felt like this in a long time. There is just something about being in a room with a bunch of kids, in a setting like that… I don’t know it just made me feel so good about being there and doing what I was doing. wondering if that makes and sense??? Anyway, so today was good.

Another thing I got to do today was drive. So I am not too sure if this has been mentioned before, but I (not to long ago) got my drivers permit. My goal is to have my license before Jesse gets home so I can drive all by myself to pick him up from the base. I actually want this more then anything in the world and would give anything to see it happen. Not driving has also prevented me from doing things and going places, and I don’t want that to be an issue anymore.

So like I stated before, most likely not in this blog though, 2005 is the year for change. I want to be able to experience new things and meet new faces. I want to be able to say I can relate, and actually mean it. I want, the most, to have Jesse home (which I will have in 2 months) and be able to start my life with him. Most of all, I want to be able to feel good about myself as a person (that’s the biggest one), and after today I do feel good about myself.

And it has been too long for me, even to count, to safely say I can admit that.

2005-01-23T19:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, so today I had a lot to conquer. I had to face my father. Well it wasn’t like I was forced to by gunpoint, but if you know me, and I mean really know me, then you know I don’t favor the company of that man, and try to avoid it at all cost. So that probably leads you to ask the next question, why did I go then? Well for the last week I knew that my father was in the company of my sister and that he was experiencing some health problems. My sister had made it known that she was making him go to the doctors and that they didn’t know what was wrong with him. As of today, they still didn’t know. I have to say I am a bit worried, but at the same time I am torn to feel it serves him right. I told my mom that I hate him today and she said hate is a strong word. She knows deep down inside I don’t hate him, but I do hate his actions and choices in life. He just frustrates me so much and I wish he would take better care of himself. He isn’t entirely a bad man when he is sober, has a mouth like and Irish sea dog (no offense to anyone) but he isn’t that bad. I just hate having mixed feelings about him and no matter what, he is still my father and a part of me, even if the tiniest of speck, still worries.

Ok so that was my rant for this weekend. Now on with other stuff. Um… Friday I did manage to finish my 9 binders promised to my now ex-boss. The party they threw for me was sort of lame, but like I stated before, I didn’t expect anything from them but at the same time expected a lot more. I guess working in an office for over a year doesn’t count for anything. I don’t think I will be missed much.

What else…. On the brighter side, Jesse is packing shee-aat up… yay! He said he mailed one of his footlockers home I think today or is going to tomorrow. So I have to make more room in storage… Maybe one day I should post a picture of that mess for all of you to see. So I am still counting the days one by one in hopes that the next will bring me a more definite date as to when Jesse will be back home. I need to start redoing my room to make more room for a bigger bed or to set up the other twin matrices and move the two together. We tried the twin matrices thing when he came home on leave and that so did not work, although it was sure fun to try…lol.

Oh… yeah, I also start my new job tomorrow. I so do not know what to quite expect, but I know it will be a learning experience which is also what I am counting on. I will try to blog more tomorrow night so I can let you all know how the first day went.

Blog-ya later!

2005-01-21T16:25:00.000-08:00

So today is my last day at work and I got a printed card and a box of doughnuts and a box of cookies. Two of my coworkers came by to wish me luck and that was pretty much it. I was sort of expecting more, but then again didn’t expect anything from them. … …

So just after I typed this, they called me over for some cake too. So like I said before wasn’t expecting anything. So as I sit here in my cubicle, I look at the empty walls and wonder if this is the right thing to do. I know that my sanity relies on a job change but at the same time how sane am I going to be able to be while working with children ages 2-6? I am sure I will do fine and with the extra time in the mornings I can now work on things I haven’t been able too. For instance like homework, housework, and also catching up with well-needed doctor’s appointments (I need new glasses and to take care of some things I should not have let go so long). So other then that, this was pretty much my day at work. I built 9 binders bringing my weekly total to 10, as promised and as of 5:00 pm tonight I bid farewell to this office and everyone in it after 3 ½ years.

2005-01-19T18:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it has been a little while since I last posted. To every good patch there comes a series of bad, and boy oh boy has it ever been these last two weeks. I have been having a real hard time and on top of it all not feeling so well. Being on the road to self discovery has brought me to some bumps and even cliffs causing me to stop and wonder if it is worth the jump. I have learned a lot about myself and come to realize that I am selfish, rude, caring, possessive, headstrong, loving, and loyal to certain causes, but all of these things can be summed up as only being human. As I look at the calendar and mark another day complete, I still have many more to go before Jesse comes home and life starts making sense for me again. I should have known self discovery is a journey that you should do with the people who love and care for you and I have come to realize that the one person who does all and everything for me is Jesse and with out him I am a mess, boy oh boy am I a mess. These last few days have brought me tears, lack of sleep, lack of will to move on and such. Work has been a pain but I only have 2 more days left and no more student job for me. I have been battling it out with my boss via email and with all the crap going on at work I am so ready to walk. I start my new job Monday afternoon so I am so ready to get out of the office and into the classroom. School also started with week and unfortunately off to a bad start. I didn’t make it to my first class last night because I felt ill so I came right home. I am sure that next week will be better, I am just worn out from work and stress that I don’t feel like myself anymore and believe you me when you stop feeling like yourself that’s not a good thing.

SO this is what is coming up in Danielle’s life this week, School tomorrow, Nephew coming over Friday for his B-day, then taking him to Build-a-bear Saturday, and managing to complete 10 stupid work binders before 5:00 pm Friday night…oh and pack up all my stuff from work. JOY!

Weekend where are you, so I can count another week complete on my calendar.

2005-01-17T01:35:00.000-08:00

"Reserved Anger…" written 1/13/05

Reserved anger,
Reserved for those who need it,
Obsessed in life,
For those who must abuse it,
The darkness of the day,
Seen by those who lie and wait,
I reserved my anger,
For those who must live to hate.
Dry obsession,
For the things which no one controls,
The light within the night,
A web turned over by fright,
The future cannot be controlled.
Reserved…
Inside…
The…
Mind.

2005-01-15T21:26:00.000-08:00

So this week is my last week working as student for the State. I also start school this week and can't wait to get back into the learning mode. I haven't bought my books yet d may have to wait until tuesday when I got to school after work. I also start my New Job as a preschool teacher in a week. I can't wait. I enjoy learning new things and I know being given this oportunity will prove to be a learning experience.

Things are going so well for me for once and for once life is good.

2005-01-13T15:12:00.000-08:00

Today I am going to sum up with just one Image.

Welcome 2005!!!

Boys were waiting for you to come home...

picture taken 9/11/04- patriot day @ country club plaza mall
pictured from left to right- danielle chidester (thats me in that cover); top- danielle barber; next to me- gina wilfong; right- jessica weldon... we are the ladies of HHC

2005-01-12T16:11:00.000-08:00

Gunman in Ceres, CA a Marine
Modesto Bee
Published 2:15 am PST Tuesday, January 11, 2005

CERES - A U.S. Marine, who reportedly said he did not want to return to duty in Iraq, shot two police officers, one fatally, on Sunday night before he was shot and killed in a second gunbattle about three hours later.

Ceres Police Sgt. Howard Stevenson died from his injuries at an area hospital, a spokesman for the Stanislaus County Sheriff's Department said Monday.
Officer Sam Ryno was listed in critical condition at an area hospital.

Three hours after the shooting, police shot and killed Lance Cpl. Andres Raya, 19, of Modesto, when they found him behind a nearby home. Police said Monday that Raya, reported absent without leave from Camp Pendleton Saturday night, had served in Iraq and did not want to return.

The officers responded to a call made by an employee at a liquor store at 8:07 p.m. Sunday. The employee told emergency dispatchers that a man holding a rifle and acting crazy had just left the store and was walking down the street.
Gunfire erupted shortly after police arrived. Both officers had been shot several times, according to Modesto police.

Witnesses told police Raya ducked into a home about two blocks from the liquor store.
Officers responded from the Ceres, Modesto, Turlock and Newman police departments as well as the Stanislaus and Merced sheriff's offices and the California Highway Patrol.

About 11:30 p.m., Raya was spotted behind the home. Police said the suspect "initiated a gunfight" and was shot in the alley.
http://www.sacbee.com/content/news/story/12005842p-12876256c.html

Ok so hearing about this on the news the other night sure did shock me. For two reasons, One- How could a marine do something like this? I mean what would make a Marine think up something as horrific as gunning down a Officer to keep himself from being sent back to Iraq? Second- What in the world are our soldiers seeing over there that has them so spooked? I don’t know, I have so many other questions. I feel for the family of the officer gunned down and killed and have been thinking good thoughts for the one in the hospital as well as for the Marine’s family dealing with this tragedy.

I thank god every day that Jesse isn’t stationed in Iraq and I hope that all branches of the military make sure that they take care of these young children that are serving overseas.

The Marine, Raya, was only 19 years old.

My Husband is going to be celebrating his 23rd birthday in the giant sandbox in two weeks.

I just don’t understand why children are the ones protecting the U.S.A.

2005-01-11T22:31:00.000-08:00

Ok so it has been a while and I am sure I have left you all in suspense long enough. I GOT THE JOB… pending a clear fingerprint report… that is. It is only part time in the afternoon but it is still better then nothing and it gives me experience which is good. My new supervisor also said if I would like to pick up more hours that they can see if there are any openings at any of the other centers, which would be cool. So this week I have to get my happy arse to a local fingerprinting station and get myself in the system and one step closer to working at the center.

These last few weeks have been great for me and I am so thankful for it. Maybe because my time away from Jesse is almost through, or maybe it’s finally my time to shine for once, who knows, I just love how life is for once and I am going to live each day up to the fullest. What is weird is that I haven’t felt like this in a very long time and its has been so long I really can’t recall the last time I did feel like this, which makes me doubt I ever did feel like this once ( that did make sense to me while I typed it).

Anyway so that is about it I my life. Things seem to be looking up which is nice. Now that I got the job thing down, all I need is to get the driving thing down… and I am set.